In lots of ways we are equal and no one makes more decisions than the other.Īs a more feminine lesbian and a more masculine-presenting lesbian, do you find that the world treats you both in different ways? But I’m definitely the more sensitive, emotional one. Those few things that do fit are used to reinforce the wider assumptions. Wyse: The problem is that some of the stereotypes are accurate like I would say I am the more decisive one in our relationship. Are any of these assumptions true? Or are they just misconceptions? When we’re in public, people speak to me and address me instead of Hannah. Wyse: People always assume that Hannah was the one who decorated the house, even though that was me. I’m more feminine-presenting so people assume that they can ask me more about my life and ask me “when are you going to have kids?” Hannah: Everyone thinks that Wyse has the better job than me and earns way more than me and I have the part-time job and stay at home to do the housework and cook. Rochelle Brock / Refinery29 for Getty Images Getty Images Wyse (she/they) and Hannah (she/ they) "We dated when we were 17 but got back together a year ago after bumping into each other in a Costa." When people meet you, what sort of assumptions do they make about your relationship based on your differing gender expressions? She’s really helped me feel more confident in myself and more confident to explore things to do with gender. That’s really helped me as someone who grew up struggling with identity and sexuality. Rachel: Sophie’s literally the most open person, she’s much more open than I am and willing to talk about her feelings. I’m a very anxious person in any romantic relationship and Rachel has always been known to reassure me in a way no-one has before. More generally, I love how Rachel makes me feel safe and secure. Sophie: What I like about a lesbian relationship is that we’re both in touch with our emotions and there isn’t the same toxic masculinity. What are some of the positives about your relationship? Sophie: I’d say that I’m more dominant socially and take a more alpha female role. More generally, the relationship is very balanced.
Rachel: Sophie does like having things done for her and being treated like a princess, so she likes me organising dates and taking that role, though that’s something that I like doing anyway. Compared to these stereotypes and assumptions, what is the experience of your relationship really like?
Sophie: From the femme point of view, as someone who is pansexual, and with this being my first lesbian relationship, I get the classic questions of “is she the man?” or “what made you turn lesbian?” Everyone is so shocked that I have a girlfriend, it’s very much a case of compulsory heterosexuality. It’s a stereotype that you have to have a masculine person for any relationship to work and that’s obviously very sexist and a product of the patriarchy. Rachel: It’s presumed a lot of the time that the more masculine, boyish person would handle the finances or be more dominant and take more of an assertive role – in a way that's similar to the masculine stereotypes in society. Sophie (she/her) and Rachel (they/she) "We met on Hinge and have been a couple for a year and a half." What are some of the assumptions people make about masc/femme couples? To learn more, we called up three masc/femme couples to chat stereotypes versus reality. Well, we've got some news for you: yes, masc/femme couples exist but, no, they're not your heteronormative fantasy! You can't tell based on gender presentation alone what roles individuals might take up in a relationship or how their dynamic works because, you guessed it, everyone is different and no relationship (lesbian or otherwise) is the same. Often there is a stereotype that these relationships function in a way where the masculine partner is more dominant and the feminine partner is more nurturing and caring. In wider society, you might have come across the perception that the most "normal" or "natural" lesbian couples consist of one masc and one femme person. Sometimes two " femme" people might be in a relationship, while other times it's two butch or masc people that are together – and these relationships can be polyamorous, open, or throuples. Some individuals might identify with these terms and find them helpful while some might not, and that's okay! Relationships within the lesbian community also come in lots of different shapes and sizes. If you didn't already know, there is a spectrum of lesbian-specific identities around gender presentation and expression: more "femme" or feminine identities, more "butch" and "masc" or masculine identities and a range of experiences in-between and beyond. Lesbian dating advice from Rose and Rosie